Sunday, October 10, 2010
Why me?
Why do I doubt my mind? I am afraid to show anyone my true self because I am so terrified of judgment. Criticism, the right kind, I can handle because it does nothing but make me a better person. But what is the purpose of bad criticism? Why am I asking this question? Because it is rare when I can find the good kind of criticism. It seems that whenever I show someone my work, they find a way to bring me down. They find a way to make me doubt myself. I can tell the difference between the good and bad. The good tells you that the paper is okay but...then what makes it better. The bad just tells you the negative without stating the positive. That seems to be what my life centers around. What the negative is and not the positive. What I don't do gives way to assumptions about me and that I am nothing. There are a few people who know the real me. There are a few that don't give me the chance to show the real me. Then the rest only see what I decide to show them. It is very difficult for me to determine whether a person deserves to know the real me. That is a hard decision because I don't want it to backfire in my face. Sometimes it does but sometimes it doesn't. But that is the story of my life.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Untitled part 2
It was amazing how i thought of you as the missing piece in my life when i had everything i needed. or so i thought. money and success can only carry a person so far before lonliness sets in. some people may disagree but to me thats how it goes. all i could think about was your big smile filling up my office, closing in the empty space around me that i had yet to fill. nothing i ever tried seemed to do the job until i saw you. all i could think about was you walking into my office and saying "what do you need me to do?" i need hard workers like you. i wouldnt even know what to give you. maybe my personal secretary. i sat thinking about you when my office phone rang. i answered and it was the woman at the front desk.
"yes Sazsha what's up?" i asked staring at the empty space.
"There is a man here to see you." she said. as soon as i heard "man" my mind concentrated harder on you. would you be that "man" that wanted to see me? i sure did hope so. i heard her call my name twice before i jumped back to reality.
"Yes Sazsha im here. send him in." i hung up the phone and instantly started to fix myself. i wasnt even worried about the office. i didnt know your name but at that moment i was determined to find out. even if it wasnt you that was waiting for me. i waited for what seemed like hours before someone knocked three times before entering. you sat down in front of me. we stared at each other for what seemed like years. i had to finally end the silence before i fell too deep into your soul. we would have gotten no where by that time. i asked what you were here for. of course in a very sweet, polite way you answered that you always wanted a job here and you just decided to chance it and come in. well, i thought of course the job was yours but i knew i couldnt let you know that i was into you but i did answer pretty quickly. i told you that you could most definately find a job here. i handed you an application and a pen. i told you to just go ahead and fill out the application right there on the spot. i watched as you started to fill it out. you are left handed. as you got down to the bottom where they asked for a resume you asked me about that. i didnt care for one but i told you we could just do a spoken one. i just wanted to hear you speak to me and watch you look me directly in the eyes as you spoke. i sat and listened to every word you said as if you were playing my favorite song on the piano. your voice was so soothing i could barely remember where i was. you had a large smile on your face that i couldnt resist fantasizing about. you were staring at me again and once again i had to break it. i told you i would be in touch. it was only to play "job competition" and for a little anxiety and excitement. the job was already yours but i wanted to be professional. as you go up i got up with you. you held out your hand and i held out mine and when they connected there was a spark. i didnt know if you felt it but i did and i looked at you with pure shock on my face to let you know that i felt it too. apparently you did not feel it because you looked at me in a confused way. i let go of your hand and told you to stay by the phone and listen for my call. you walked toward the door and i followed. i opened it and you walked past me and you smelled like after the rain. my favorite scent. i closed my eyes for a moment while you walked to the elevator. when i heard it ding i immediately opened my eyes and looked to see if anyone had noticed me. when i had determined that no one did i shut my door and went back to my desk to look over your application.
"yes Sazsha what's up?" i asked staring at the empty space.
"There is a man here to see you." she said. as soon as i heard "man" my mind concentrated harder on you. would you be that "man" that wanted to see me? i sure did hope so. i heard her call my name twice before i jumped back to reality.
"Yes Sazsha im here. send him in." i hung up the phone and instantly started to fix myself. i wasnt even worried about the office. i didnt know your name but at that moment i was determined to find out. even if it wasnt you that was waiting for me. i waited for what seemed like hours before someone knocked three times before entering. you sat down in front of me. we stared at each other for what seemed like years. i had to finally end the silence before i fell too deep into your soul. we would have gotten no where by that time. i asked what you were here for. of course in a very sweet, polite way you answered that you always wanted a job here and you just decided to chance it and come in. well, i thought of course the job was yours but i knew i couldnt let you know that i was into you but i did answer pretty quickly. i told you that you could most definately find a job here. i handed you an application and a pen. i told you to just go ahead and fill out the application right there on the spot. i watched as you started to fill it out. you are left handed. as you got down to the bottom where they asked for a resume you asked me about that. i didnt care for one but i told you we could just do a spoken one. i just wanted to hear you speak to me and watch you look me directly in the eyes as you spoke. i sat and listened to every word you said as if you were playing my favorite song on the piano. your voice was so soothing i could barely remember where i was. you had a large smile on your face that i couldnt resist fantasizing about. you were staring at me again and once again i had to break it. i told you i would be in touch. it was only to play "job competition" and for a little anxiety and excitement. the job was already yours but i wanted to be professional. as you go up i got up with you. you held out your hand and i held out mine and when they connected there was a spark. i didnt know if you felt it but i did and i looked at you with pure shock on my face to let you know that i felt it too. apparently you did not feel it because you looked at me in a confused way. i let go of your hand and told you to stay by the phone and listen for my call. you walked toward the door and i followed. i opened it and you walked past me and you smelled like after the rain. my favorite scent. i closed my eyes for a moment while you walked to the elevator. when i heard it ding i immediately opened my eyes and looked to see if anyone had noticed me. when i had determined that no one did i shut my door and went back to my desk to look over your application.
Untitled part 1
why does it feel like i know you from somewhere? i know our eyes met earlier in my life but i cant put my finger on it. i believe it was a stormy Monday night. i had to run to the grocery store for something quick to eat that night. i didnt feel like cooking so i figured a frozen dinner would hold me over. i was walking into that aisle and i think our baskets ran into each other. i looked into your light brown eyes and you looked into my dark brown eyes. we felt a connection but we were both so tired that we ignored it. we said our apologies and walked away. i didnt let go of that moment though. i held to it tight even when i saw you the very next day. you were walking your dog in the park. i know because i was doing my daily jog when i saw you walking towards me.i didnt know what to do so i just stretched my legs on the bench. i saw you coming closer and closer. i had no clue what to say to you so i just looked as you looked back at me and smiled. i felt myself blushing as you walked by showing me your cloud white teeth. i followed you all the way past me when my watch snapped me out of our trance. it was time to head back home and get ready once again for work. i put my leg down and walked home.
i took a shower and got dressed. as i headed downstairs, my phone rang. it was one of my employees asking if she could come in late. i said yeah and hung up. for some odd reason that made no sense to me at the time i was hoping it was you. i couldnt remember what your voice sounded like because all we said to each other was "im so sorry. i wasnt paying any attention to where i was going". but oh boy did i remember your face.it couldnt be mistaken for anything shorter than miraculous. no one, i mean no one could forget those light brown eyes covered all around by that caramel skin tone of yours. i couldnt compare you with anyone if i tried. i walked out the door still contemplating the thought of comparing you to someone else. i made it to my car and slowly backed out of my parking space. i made it through the morning traffic with you on the brain.
i walked into the white and brown high rise building and was greeted by the secretary. we didnt really speak much but we did say hello and goodbye to each other. no more than that. i headed to the elevator when i saw you. you didnt see me but i definately saw you. you were standing at the information desk next to the secretary's desk. you were talking to one of the ladies behind there. i supposed you were asking for information on where something was. the elevator chimed for me to get in but i ignored it for a second. i just stared at you. you where so beautiful standing there. the elevator chimed twice this time for me to get in. i obeyed it this time because i had to get to work. i walked in and pushed the button for the 12th floor. all the way up i wanted to know why you were there. why were you at the same building i was in? i watched the numbers go up from one to eleven. i didnt want the elevator to reach 12 but when it did and the large metal doors opened i stepped into my place of creativity. i loved being here no matter how stressful it was at times. it was the one place were i could use my imagination and not be judged on how good or bad it was. it was the one place where reality didnt have to exist and it could be my fantasy world 24/7. all that was missing was you. i thought about where you might be going as i made my way to my oversized office. it didnt matter where you were after a while as long as it was where i was going to be.
i took a shower and got dressed. as i headed downstairs, my phone rang. it was one of my employees asking if she could come in late. i said yeah and hung up. for some odd reason that made no sense to me at the time i was hoping it was you. i couldnt remember what your voice sounded like because all we said to each other was "im so sorry. i wasnt paying any attention to where i was going". but oh boy did i remember your face.it couldnt be mistaken for anything shorter than miraculous. no one, i mean no one could forget those light brown eyes covered all around by that caramel skin tone of yours. i couldnt compare you with anyone if i tried. i walked out the door still contemplating the thought of comparing you to someone else. i made it to my car and slowly backed out of my parking space. i made it through the morning traffic with you on the brain.
i walked into the white and brown high rise building and was greeted by the secretary. we didnt really speak much but we did say hello and goodbye to each other. no more than that. i headed to the elevator when i saw you. you didnt see me but i definately saw you. you were standing at the information desk next to the secretary's desk. you were talking to one of the ladies behind there. i supposed you were asking for information on where something was. the elevator chimed for me to get in but i ignored it for a second. i just stared at you. you where so beautiful standing there. the elevator chimed twice this time for me to get in. i obeyed it this time because i had to get to work. i walked in and pushed the button for the 12th floor. all the way up i wanted to know why you were there. why were you at the same building i was in? i watched the numbers go up from one to eleven. i didnt want the elevator to reach 12 but when it did and the large metal doors opened i stepped into my place of creativity. i loved being here no matter how stressful it was at times. it was the one place were i could use my imagination and not be judged on how good or bad it was. it was the one place where reality didnt have to exist and it could be my fantasy world 24/7. all that was missing was you. i thought about where you might be going as i made my way to my oversized office. it didnt matter where you were after a while as long as it was where i was going to be.
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